The 2013 NFL free agency madness begins March 12. Unfortunately, in the past, it has always been difficult to predict what system(s) a new coaching staff will install. Alas, we live in a new era! Today we will look at three Twitter comments and see if we can find the ‘true’ meaning of what was twitted (tweeted? …twat?).
Henry Melton and Nate Collins:
Marc Trestman and Mel Tucker are switching to a 3-4 defense! Isn’t it obvious? Nate Collins is complaining about all of the snow the North East. Why? Because Nate isn’t supposed to hibernate this off season. Nate is supposed to eat B.J. Raji’s weight worth of eggs and hamburger everyday until he can plug the interior appropriately. Henry Melton, on the other hand, took a much less subtle approach, all but admitting his role will be changing in 2013. Beardownblog.net will be watching twitter in the upcoming weeks to unravel the mystery – will Melton go to a more traditional 4-3 defensive team or will he be able to beef up and become the next Vince Wilfork playing for the Chicago Bears?
The year was 1919. Nobody admits the exact date. The starch business was booming for Augustus Eugene Staley. Usually he had seen himself as a laid back, easy going fellow. But not today! Today was the first time his entire life he was actually nervous. This was the day of the ‘First Annual Super-Duper Secret Meeting of Football Owners and Special Talent Players’. Or, the SDSMFOSTP, if you prefer. All 14 teams were, believe it or not, excited about forming one football league. But before the ‘fathers of football’ would get down to business in some Decatur hotel, they demanded to see Staley’s plant in production. After all, they knew that Staley was working on an experimental mix of his starches and polystyrene. Apparently, this material could be easily formed and shaped, protecting injured and bruised body parts better than cloth and leather. So there they were, about 50 grown men, standing on a catwalk above a huge vat of who-knows-what. Production was loud that day. The football owners and players had a hard time hearing Staley’s explanation, and as they tried to gather ’round, the thin iron railing broke and many of the listeners fell into the vat! Luckily the vat was shallow and no one was hurt. It was quite a sight – all of these young entrepreneurs and athletes wading around and getting fished out of this large vat filled with an itchy, pasty, yellowish goo that smelled faintly of pancakes. The following list is a handful of the people who fell into the vat: Famer Fritz Pollard, Tommy Hughitt, George Halas, Walter Flanigan, Bud Talbott, Jim Thorpe, John E. O’Hearn, Tony Canadeo, John Driscoll, Jack Forsyth, Joseph Carr, and Jimmy Conzelman.
After practice one day, weeks after the vat incident, Halas was summoned by by Staley to come examine the new padding coming off the line. Halas didn’t care to much for the production side of business, being in the sales deptartment, but he went as asked. As soon as he entered the plant he could see all of the distress as workers stood staring in disbelief while other workers bounced off each other as they seemed to run in erratic directions. He caught sight of Staley standing near the end of the production line. As the different cuts of “foam” went by on a conveyer the problem was obvious. Sticking out of the small padding pieces were pieces of toupes, hairs, ties, shoestrings, fingernails, and even pieces of a pocket watch! “Ruined!” Staley was yelling. “Throw it all away! From now on we will stick with pancakes and ketchup packets.” George Halas didn’t care how uneven or unprofessional the product looked. He picked up a small oval shaped piece of padding and immediately liked the feel and bounce of the material. He placed the piece of padding on his tail bone (where he landed hard in practice) and instantly felt relief and security for his sore spot. After his pain subsided days later he put the last remaining experimental-prototype-foam padding in the bottom of his football bag and didn’t use it again for five years.
Thanksgiving Day, 1925. Red Grange was complaining to Halas about a sore thigh before his debut game at Cubs Park. Halas quickly provided a pad from his locker and attached to to Grange’s thigh. Grange used the pad for various soft spots untill 1933.
1933-1937 Bronko Nagurski used the polystyrene compound padding for various sore spots.
1939-1950 Sid Luckman donned the SDSMFOSTP padding.
1950s No one is sure what happened to the artifact during this time. Some say Bill George or Doug Atkins may have used it periodically.
1961-1981 It is believed during this time that Iron Mike Ditka never let the special padding leave his body. He wore it everywhere – with the Bears, Eagles, Cowoys. Ditka even had the padding in his possession when Tom Landry hired him as an assistant.
1981-1987 When Ditka arrived to coach the Bears it is believed the artifact was given to Walter Payton who used it daily in practice and games to protect various sore spots.
present: I am not sure how it happened, but Israel Idonije has come across this ancient relic! How else can he spend the time producing and creating comics you can read about here or find time for charity you can read about here? You heard it here first – If Idonije treats Chad Clifton, Phil Loadholt, and Joe Staley like turnstiles – keep an eye on the pads he is wearing (they are mandatory this year).